Did having children completely change your marriage? Both men and women please?

I am not sure if I want children. My fiance isn't necessarily sure either although I think he leans toward having them more than I do. I am concerned that it will change my lifestyle so dramatically that I won't even recognize myself, or my future husband, anymore if we become parents. We both have pretty solid identities. Also we both love our carefree lifestyle and are interested in saving money. Our plans include travel and a move in the next few years, as I'm a career scientist and will be settling in at a tenured post (at least I hope so!). He and I have talked about it and he is willing to quit or at least cut way back on work to stay at home with our children so that I can continue working. My job is something I am really passionate about and since I bothered to get a doctorate in the field I don't want to throw away all my years of hard work.





On the other hand, of course I want children, and of course he wants children. We had a surprise pregnancy a few months ago, and when we found out we were both delighted, and then I was terrified and then delighted again. I went up and down a lot which I attributed to wacky hormones. I was very sorry, even heartbroken, when the miscarriage happened and was very emotional and upset, and my fiance was absolutely stellar in his support and unconditional love of me when I was ill, even though he was hurting too. He really is the ultimate love of my life. I was 7 weeks along when the miscarriage happened. But mysteriously, now that all the physical suffering is over about 2 months later, my fiance and I seem to have gone back to normal again, loving one another, living life - it seems to have gone away and now I wonder if I ever want kids again!





I suppose it's a classic dilemma. He and I would make wonderful parents I think - we're both well educated people, we are absolutely and completely in love, through thick and thin as his adoration of me in my time of need proved, and we feel like we have so much to give. Everyone always says, your whole life will change! and there's this glimmer in their eyes like, ';I hope you fall into the trap!'; My parents seemed OK with parenting, they did a good job I'd say. And yet the whole thing seems like a trick of some kind. Will I ever be myself again? Will I lose my awesome sex life with my soon-to-be-husband? Will my career become suddenly less important? Should we just not do it? What do parents think about how their lives changed? Is there a parent who would ever admit that if they could go back in time they'd have remained childless, even if that was true?Did having children completely change your marriage? Both men and women please?
Children stress a marriage.


They require you to be responsible.


If you are still living a care-free life, then you aren't ready and that's fine.


Have some honeymoon years even a decade if you are young (young twenties).


Kids tie you down as much as you let them and (too) many people let them tie you down completely. It does not have to be that way.


Some things are no longer reasonable; like hiking down the Grand Canyon isn't happening with young children.





We got to do all those sorts of things before we had kids, so no I would not go back. If someone rushed kids right away in marriage or got married because they were pregnant, no doubt they feel differently.





Also, if you grow to hate your spouse, I easily see how kids would complicate your life. It's still hard to consider them a mistake though; they would cease to exist, it's like saying you wish they were dead which isn't true you just want some more personal time. And more personal time is possible if you adjust your priorities; such as lessening your focus on your career.





Same thing with your sex-life; it's hampered but is not as hampered as many people let it be.


The things that do need to be sacrificed are time-consuming hobbies, partying, sleeping-in, working late, working too much, etc... You have to cut out the crap and focus on staying connected with each other. It's easy without kids because you just naturally go out together and effectively keep dating and can talk privately and have sex whenever you want. With kids you have to schedule both.





Implement ';Do Not Disturb Time'; but be realistic, at times they are going to interrupt you (get a lock on the door). When they are young, ~3-4, they are not going to always respect it but with routine and positive reinforcement they start to look forward to it.


Make do-not-disturb time a routine thing even if you're not having sex; sometimes you just need time to talk and unwind. Spoil the kids a bit during this time; this is ice-cream-popcorn-movie time.





You need a baby-sitter and grandma is the first obvious choice (often they are very willing) so you two can get away for a few hours and be alone together still. If that's not an option, you need to find a trustworthy baby sitter.





The first two years with the first child are hard. Once they start talking and start becoming their own person it's amazing. At soon as six months we could tell marked differences between our children's personalities. That too was astonishing to us.





It's quite natural to approach parenthood with trepidation. It's the most and biggest set of unknowns you have ever dealt with.


If you want children think about the timing and what age you want to have them by; e.g. no later than 28? 34? Waiting until late 30's is not a great plan. You can use day-care to maintain your careers if they are important to you.


You should get yourself in a position where you can stay at home for a few years should you decide that's what you want to do. Frankly it would be ideal if my wife was home while they were babies and I was home while they were toddlers. The kids grind on her nerves a bit now and that doesn't happen to me. She was always much more bonded to the kids as babies than I was - I found that time much more frustrating. But real-life doesn't work like that unless you have twins or triplets ;)





Also, like it or not, many women have strong maternal instincts and strong desire-for-provider emotions that may not be evident until you have children. It happens time and time again that the working women resents the living **** out of her stay-at-home-husband /even if he's a wonderful father, homemaker, husband, etc.../





PS Your education and intelligence have little to do with how great of parent's you are. Those are tools not qualities. Basically everyone is smart enough to read the books they need or want to. And things like time-management, patience, and emotional maturity are not aided much by being smart. You don't need to be smart enough to figure it all out on your own (and basically can't, i.e. hind-sight is 20/20).Did having children completely change your marriage? Both men and women please?
I would say.... be together and have the most fun possible.. then a fw years down the road... if... you bought a huge house and you both feel like somethings missing.. then consider having a child.. otherwise, you will be dumb-founded at how much life will change.
Too much to read but to answer your question...Absolutely!
Yes it changed my life for the better. I have patience now.
To answer your question - Ya Think?
you just need to decide what is and will be more important to you, your career or child? don't bring a child into the world unless your ready for the changes that come and from what I hear the changes are usually welcomed. if you love your career i'm sure things will work out with a baby if that's what you want you just have to make it happen.
Kids definitely change your marriage! I personally believe they can make or break a marriage - it's that big of a change. As parents IF you're not on the same page when it comes to parenting - life is going to be tough. Some men have a difficult time with their lover being a mom - and now seeing her in a mom role. Some parents are so in love with their children they forget about their spouse. Then there is the sleepless nights, constant stress of raising kids - them testing boundaries. Some children are born with handicaps which add more stress and financial burden -- the scenarios are endless - how could anyone say that having a child would not change their relationship.





But, most marriages that lust/romance dies down in time. The friendship blossoms - you become a TEAM working together in goals, working together as parents, and now that my kids are almost gone, we're pretty solid - even knowing what the other thinks. It's scary. We LOVE our kids - always have - always will. It wasn't a question for me - I WANTED children. They're not perfect, but neither are we. It's a learning curve - you do the best you can, and hope they're okay.





I have an aunt and uncle who couldn't have kids - I worry about them terribly living alone in Florida - no family members close in the 80's and now that we just lost my dad and my father-in-law - how could our mother's have gotten by with no kids. Not a reason to have kids - but they add a lot to your life. Sure they're a pain in the tush at times - but you still love them, and worry about them.





Whatever you decide - it's the right decision - because it's what is right for you as a couple - no one can tell you what to do - it's personal.





Good luck!
Your 'whole life' would change if you want it to. Yes. CHildren are a big responsibily. There are many pros and cons to having kids. It has to be what both of you want.





Just because you are both very educated that doesn't guarantee that you both would be the ultimate parents. Have you even seen how some college professors' and doctors' children behave? Some of the most wonderful parents are hardly educated laborers. I've seen high-school dropouts with 4 of 5 kids being awesome parents. So your IQ has nothing to do with being great parents. (By the way, I'm on my final lap for my BA in finance, so don't think I'm from the trailer park, is case you're wondering)





It seems like you are very immature emotional (think EQ rather than IQ...a scientist should know that). You may have an IQ 200, and still listenting to what 'everyone always says'? Are you for real?





As the other poster says to your questions...'geezze, ya think;?
I want to let you know if a parent said if they could go back an not have any children,I some times feel that way because my kids are off on the wrong foot right now to, maybe thats why I feel this way. There is only so much you can prepare them for in life while you bring them up.You see a failure as a parent is not what I want to say about myself, they just got mixed up with the wrong people out in their new life and that does happen. Not to everyone tho, I'm sure some where in your life you might have known someone who just couldn't do it. A nd it does not mean yours will be that way,experience is part of our life that we live.
Im really in the same boat as you. Ive thought about having kids before, but now im not so sure I even want kids. I see my time here on earth as my life, and I want to my life to be fun, exciting and enjoyable. A big part of having fun is freedom, and having kids takes most of that away. All I can tell you is that your right, it is a life changing decision. But it doesn't necessarily mean its a bad one, maybe just different.
I love my sons ages 12 %26amp; 14 to DEATH. They are SO AWESOME!





However, nothing is more divisive than having babies. They are NOT BONDING like some women seem to think.





I had my sons with my ex husband.





I have been remarried these last 6 years and my husband and I agreed to no babies even though I am still young enough to have another (33)....we want to be HAPPY. Oh, and I had my tubes tied.





I do not really fit in to your question I guess, seeing is I am ALREADY A mom....but just saying, because I have been there, done that.........





: )
There are two ways you can look at this...





1. You have a wonderful life with your fiance...you two are in love enjoying life to the fullest great jobs great futures, but you dont know what joy a lil one brings until you have one of your own. Its hard trust me my husband is a marine and i am a full time medical transcriptionist we have a 4 month old i still love my husband the same as ever although the love has grown stronger since we laid eyes on him! I look at him with more passion in my eyes then ever before and love making well im not going to go into detail but it only gets better. Your life changes dramatically for the better and if god wants you two to be parents then it wil be and you will see that life is still good on the other side of the fence!





2. you could enjoy life and let it happen when it happens..know that yes you have alot to do with getting pregnant but if god doesnt want you to have a baby right now or in the near future then you wont. Go on your vacations..move whereever...continue your career know that even with a baby this doesnt change it just gets a little harder depending on the age.





Children make a family complete in my eyes some people choose no other choose yes 5 or 6 times. You have your chance now to do all the things that you want to do in life and when the time comes for you to become a mommy then let it be when that time comes and share your experiences with your new lil one. I think that your mind and plans will change once you get to hold your baby though!
having a kid is d ultimate challenge i ever have to face,when i (and my partner)decided to have her we had no doubts, when our rel started to turn sour, she was d best reason to save it (almost succeeded too), she's now 12 and am a single working mom, it aint no heaven, but hey, she's worth it!