How can I deal with the pain of my husband not wanting sex?

He says that to him, marriage is more than sex. He says that he wants it. I know he masterbates...I have seen the porn site cookies on our computer. My kids told me that when they were younger he would lock the bedroom door, and they think that is what he was doing. I see him stare at other women and I've asked him about it and he says that it is only natural, but he can't keep an erection with me. He never comes to me for sex. Never. He won't talk about sex. If I mention sex or make sexual jokes he is offended, but he laughs when he hears other people joke about it, and when he watches a movie that has funny sex scenes, he is the first person to fall off the sofa laughing. But me? I am supposed to pretend that I don't think about it. Also when we have sex, his idea of foreplay is one brief kiss and then go at it like rabbits to get it over with as fast as possible. The idea of sex lasting more than 5 minutes is such a turn off for him. He gropes my breasts and goes in and out so fast that it actually hurts me.





When I have tried to talk to him, he gets mad. I can't ask him for more or he cuts me off. We have been married for 25 years, what am I to do? I love him. Really love him, but life is passing me by. I am going to be too old to have sex soon. I'm 50, almost 51. I have lied to tell him that I enjoy sex, because if I don't lie...he won't touch me at all. It has been over 5 years since I had an orgaism. Now, I know that he will leave me if I tell him that I need him to love me as a woman. He says, ';You know, this is just how I am, sex is just more important to you.'; He makes me feel utterly like a prevert for wanting it at all. And I hate myself because it hurts that he doesn't want me. I have actually thought about killing myself over this. How can I make myself not care? I want to kill the part of myself that wants sex. Did I also mention that I was molested by my father when I was a child? I was and that is part of the reason that I hate myself for wanting sex, cuz my husband makes me feel like I am sick like my dad was.





Of course, my husband would say that it isn't his fault, because he has no problem. He didn't molest me. That it is just something to do with sex being so important to me. He says I am over-sexed. I would just like sex once or twice a week. Is that over-sexed? If that is oversexed....I don't know...I mean how can I be oversexed when I don't get sex at all? Is it wrong of me to think it is unfair to not have your husband want you bad enough to miss 5 minutes of sleep to have sex. He says that it is that he has to get up and go to work, but then again on Friday night he is too tired from working, Saturday morning he can't sleep cuz he is too used to getting up early. He won't stay in bed cuz he wants to see if Nascar is being taped. Saturday night he has to get up in the morning to go to church and well....Sun night he has to get up early to go to work on Monday morning. Excuses......always anything to save him from trying because the only sex he is giving me is mercy sex.





I want to make myself not want it, to not cry because sometimes when he is laying next to me and has kissed me so tenderly goodnight, I think...wouldn't it be nice if we could???? but I know that he would just be struggling to keep it long enough to touch me.....this hurts so much...Can anyone help me think of something that will help when I am feeling so disgusting with myself for wanting it? Is my Husband right? Am I putting too my importance on sex? Should I just forget it and not feel sad about never having sex again? Cuz this one thing I know, I am never going to ask him for it again. I can't stand mercy sex for one more second. It really makes me want to kill myself and that is the truth.How can I deal with the pain of my husband not wanting sex?
you need to confront him about the masturbating and porn and call him out on it. Tell him if there's more to a relationship then sex then why is he looking outside the marriage to get his fix. And tell him how it makes you feel. What he is doing right now is disrespectful and he needs to be called out. And ask him if he has a problem with it, if so you guys need to see a counselor. And if he doesn't see a problem with it, then he doesn't respect you and I would leave.How can I deal with the pain of my husband not wanting sex?
OMG, sweetie don't hurt or blame yourself. He has some serious issues, the first of which is denial. I'm not going to rewrite the books or websites that already exist, but I will tell you that I'm a former addictions counsellor (ten years) and I spotted this one straight away.





The first thing you need (other than a really great night of lovemaking) is to arm yourself with knowledge that will empower you.





Here are two links that should get you started.





http://newlifehabits.com/





http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries鈥?/a>





Feel free to email me if you want to discuss this.





Bill
If your kids are grown up and in their place i'd seriously divorce this guy...


He is an asshole... And he won't admit it...


You are a human being, just like him and you are entitled to love, affection and sex.


There is nothing wrong with you and I see he sucks out all life from you, by reducing you to dust.


He doesn't treat you well in bed, he hates it and he should look for someone else, just like you should.


I would seriously cheat on this guy.


It's sad....


But we need appreciation.... And he has none to give....


If you still want to be with him and have a good sex life/


Try to look at his porn - understand his tastes and desires.


Then from what you learn, extract what you would like too and try it on it.


If that doesn't work, I recommend you look for another sex partner...


Your situation is really tragic. And you are the victim, not him.....
You are so unhappy about this that talking to him is really your only choice. You have got to discuss his choosing porn and masterbating over you. Especially when you are asking him to have sex with you and he makes you feel bad about it. Sex in a marriage keeps partners close and feeling connected in a way that being roommates doesn't.





If he doesn't want to talk about it and won't go see a counselor with you, you have four choices:


1. Keep living the same way being sad, lonely and depressed.


2. Have an affair...you might even get his permission.


3. Learn to love battery operated toys.


4. Leave him, which I can tell you don't want to do.





In my opinion, there wasn't a whole lot of difference being married 10 years or 25 years as far as sex goes. I've seen a lot of women get a lot more into it once their kids are in high school or gone. We aren't as tired then!
i feel your pain!





first of all, i have to say that im extremely impressed that after going through the trauma of sexual abuse as a child by a family member, and still have a healthy sexual drive, its admirable.





two. it is obvious that the sexual attraction from your husband towards you is not there. that could be solved with honest talk. if its something you guys can work out great. you might even consider the assistance of a therapist. if not, then that is something you have to deal with and take the decisions you deem appropriate at that time. however, dont let his thoughts make you believe less of yourself, and much less allow that to push you to suicide. you are not oversexed.





my wife is 40 and im 46. she is a dynamo and i enjoy every minute of it. in my first marriage, i was younger, healthier, and even better looking, and i would have sex with my wife maybe once a month or even less. she said the same exact thing as you, ';i feel that life is passing me by.'; and she was right. it was passing us both. but, so many things had happened during our relationship that i couldnt see myself getting aroused by the idea of having intercourse with her. my current wife and i jump our bones 3 times a week at least. i cant have enough of her. sooooo, dont let his sh it get you down. if he doesnt want you, chances are someone else might.





and as for rj's comment, dont pay heed. he keeps on stating that stupid statistic that 75% of relationships are that way, and i would like to know how many studies actually back up that statement. it is absolutely insane.
From the sounds of it you need to talk to a counsellor. An adult woman wanting sex is not the same as a child being abused. You have no reason to feel disgusted with yourself. You deserve to feel attractive and desirable, which your husband isn't making you feel. Read self help books about developing self esteem and above all find a counsellor!!
first of all you have nothing to ba ashamed off or feel like your father about sex


it's your given right to have sex with your husband


the second thing is you have a communication problem in your marriage how could you post it here if you never told him about that not in a dinner conversation but in a serious one tell him how do you feel


the last thing is you have to know why ur husdand don'twant to have sex with you


do you know that stress , depression , anxiety effect our sexual life


you should know if he became uncapable of having sex


but the most important thing TALK to him about it


good luck
You need to get him to tell you the truth, when this happened to someone in my family a while ago, the guy turned out to be having an affair for 15 years. this might not be the case with you two, but something's obviously not right. try a marriage councilor? Get him to understand that he needs to make you happy. if this all doesn't work, look for an affair with a very hot toyboy
Well, last night I laid the blame for my husband's sexual problems at the feet of his brother having sex with him at five. He's got lots of rules about it. Sounds like your husband might be in the same boat, plus he's destroyed any concept of sexual normalcy by being a porn addict. Another problem I think my husband has.





You should get a divorce and keep looking for a man who loves to make love to you. I'm 47. I believe it's totally possible. When I was single four years ago two men in their twenties propositioned me. You are in no way wrong to want sex.
Oh, I'm so sorry...





No, there is nothing at all wrong with you! It is a natural part of being human. I was kinda in this situation before. Your husband has a bad sex issue. Madonna/whore complex? He needs counseling!





Those of us who have been hurt as children tend to gravitate to others who have the same family of problems. You have every right to be satisfied. If he refuses therapy I don't think I'd stay.





Love has more to do with sex yes, BUT a healthy relationship includes sex AND love. Dr. OZ says 3-4 times a week is healthy. I mean after all why did GOD give us the parts if we weren't meant to have sex?





For now enjoy yourself alone, like he does. DON';T feel dirty or guilty! I know how it feels to love a man more than yourself. But, divorce him and find someone who loves you and your body. Losing him doesn't matter as much as finding your own happiness! If he loves you that much he'd go to therapy with you to fix your love life. If not I KNOW htere are plenty of men out there who'd be happy to have such a loving, sexy, giving partner!
Wow, I normally don't read questions this long but I did for yours. You are right, he is way off base. He needs to address your needs as a woman and give you want you want and not just take what he wants when he wants, which sounds rare. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex and your age should have nothing to do with it. I think it is great that you want it that much, a lot of guys would appreciate that.





Not sure what I can do to help but all I can say is that he is wrong and you are right. Not sure where you live but I would offer to help if I was closer.
You are not wrong with wanting that closeness with the man you love. I understand that lack all to well. I stopped asking for it many years ago. I am the same age as you. I don't want to kill myself because I want sex...it's normal, and unfortunately we are not in normal relationships. I don't know what the fix for your problem would be as I am in the same boat...but mine seems to already be sunk. You are not putting too much of an importance on sex, and he should be willing to help you achieve the big O. If you can't talk to him without him shutting you off..then he's just looking for an excuse to do so. I know how bad it feels when the man you love ignores the subject of sex. He seems to be selfish, and doesn't want to put in the time or effort to see that you are happy. No easy way to put it...he just doesn't care what you feel. If you never asked for sex again...you would never have sex again. That's how it will probably play out. He has his porn...his fantasies, and you unfortunately aren't in them. You deserve so much more...you are not the problem here, so please stop blaming yourself. If you'd like to vent a bit more, please feel free to email me. I hope things turn around for you...I really do.
Arousal is between the ears, not the legs. I'm 52 and I know we were raised in an era of we didn't talk about it, Lucy and Ricky didn't sleep in the same bed...heck, they didn't even show toilets on Leave it to Beaver in the bathroom shots. A lot of guys in our age group have a lot of hangups about it...and don't believe the Woodstock era and the so-called sexual revolution changed any of it. If anything, the revolution and woman's lib just made it harder for women to say no without being classified as a frigid ******.





Any possibility you could watch some porn together? Sometimes they just need to be shown how you like it, so a little direction couldn't hurt. Guys are funny things, what with their egos and stuff, but gees, you didn't join a convent when you married him. My hubby is also 52, but SHA-WING! no problems there, and he definitely likes to play new games. One night he caught me having a little diddle to some porn (yeah, we like it too) and he joined right in...consummated a brand new coffee table that night. :) He likes me in naughty lingerie, and he sees to it I've gotten mine before he gets his. I suppose I have to add the part you mentioned about your dad molesting you...this might have set up a scenario for him that even on a subconscious level he may think he's hurting you somehow. Some couples therapy really could be helpful for you both. He may just have some hangups...a trip to a marriage counselor couldn't hurt. Even if he won't go with, then go alone...otherwise you may have to have sex alone...as a matter of fact, you might try that...where he can see you! Works for mine!





Good luck to you. I really hope you can find a way out of your dilemma because the healthful benefits (both physical and mental) of a fulfilling sex life are far too important for you to have to miss out!
Did he always suck in bed? If so, why the hell did you marry him? If not, something has happen. Could it be erectile dysfunction or maybe a mid life crisis. I know my grandfather and grandmother don't have sex anymore and its because of erectile dysfunction. Espeically if he use to be all for it and now things have changed. I suggest momma that you buy a vibrator.
I am you .....and its taken years of dred to come to the conclusion that this is not something I caused so nothing I do can fix him . for whatever reason our men have lost interest in us . it is not from a cause we put into motion. I hate mercy sex and so stopped pleading stopped demanding and have not cried in a long time . I decided to just love him where he is in our life. unlike yours mine is an alcoholic who is not getting it up for anyone ...high cholesteral and years of alcohol abuse stold our old age sex lives ....I love him enough to choose to take pleasure in other intimacy we hold hands alot we touch through the day , we sit side by side to watch tv and we share showers ...if you think about it sex for pleasure is fun exercise and the purpose of procreation aside what else is it needed for? really ! sex does not prove love ...its better with love mind you but its not love of itself. and masterbation to me is like punishment ...but some days I just have to let my body unwind from the frustration . its a last choice in my days . I have come to appreciate everything else we share ...time is first in my mind . my guy is a drummer he wants me with him at jam sessions ...he won't do groceries with me but hey I can save money when he stays home. :) death over no sex is not a good choice . unconditional love does not need sex to love ....consider loving him anyway and let it rest . besides they are not more inclined to see our pain when they are at fault . you decide how this effects you not him not us . your not less of a woman when he forces this life style on you your more . menapause will drive your desire sky high and even getting it three times a day won't help when your body is off balance with that. be patient with yourself , forgive him and most importantly forgive yourself ...give your love a chance . hold on loosely but hold on .
I understand what you are going through, my ex-husband did the same thing to me except he would pick up hookers and watch porn. I suggest for you to go to a love shop even if you go alone. You are only human and you have needs. I was abused by my father also and I felt guilty but I got over it. Believe me it is not worth killing yourself over. You are a woman and you are powerful, stay strong and if he does not want you he is the one with the problem. My ex also masterbated and had no energy for me and he was only 28.
I feel sympathy for you. This is usually something men complain about. I am in a similar situation except it is my wife that has no interest in sex. It has been years for me as well. Masturbation doesn't quit fill the need. It just doesn't seem fair that one person could be so selfish in the relationship. I don't have an answer for you but I wish I did. I too feel that after raising kids and suffering all the hardships in life that now being 50, well off and not pressured by all the things in the past that this would be the best time for us. Instead it has turned into a lonely miserable time. I myself hope to find someone to share the passion I have with.
Well you are 50, and although his actions are a little suspicious, I would start slowing down soon anyways. Although I have no experience whatsoever with relationships, I do my fair share of research and I know that over 75% of relationships are like this. If this really, really bothers you, you should consider a marriage councillor or a family councillor depending on how serious you want to get. Maybe he is also finnished with the old days when you were both 30 and you could have sex and both enjoy it but I mean, to be honest, this is something all couples go through and if you guys can't sit down like ADULTS that you are, you should get some help. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope you resolve what troubles you are experiencing. :\
WHY are you clinging to a man who doesn't want you? You can't masturbate or get some love on the side? If your miserable its your own fault for putting up with your husband. I am 46 and have a vibrant sexual relationship with me 56 year old husband. Age is not an excuse for lack of sex or stupidity.