How do you move past an affair and save your marriage?

I am 25, and my husband is 27, we have been married for 7 years and share 4 beautiful children together. 4 years of our marriage were nothing but bliss and happiness, then he deployed and I with three kids got lonely and slept around a few times while he was away.





Now he is putting me through hell. He met a girl through work and they hit it off immediately, she makes him laugh and makes him happy, something he said he hasn't been for so long...which I didn't know, he pretended like things were fine at home, just a little stressed about work, which it was really his affair he was stressing about. So he wasn't planning on it but actually fell in love with this mystery girl. Then he asked me to leave so he could continue his life with her because he couldn't handle the unhappiness with me anymore, he only asked me to leave after I discovered text messages on his phone to her telling her ';I cant wait for you to be my wife';, and ';I love you';, ';You have changed my life forever';...I mean what wife wants to read that crap. I have been on an emotional roller coaster every since.





He was going to give me three days to prove my love to him and I told him that I was not the one that needed to prove anything, I give him the choice to work things out at home and keep his children in his life or I would move a few states away with my kids and start over. Threes no way with his job that he could raise the kids on his own without having them in childcare constantly. So...He chose his family...I know this...however I still have the hardest time getting over what has happened. It has only been two weeks since I found out and I am still extremely paranoid and freak out every time he doesn't call or comes home late or makes an excuse to get off the phone with me.





I feel like I am only tearing our marriage apart when all I truly want is to build it back up to what it once was. I know all marriages that last a lifetime go through their own issues, maybe not cheating, but difficult times. I just want to let it all go.





Every night it seems like I grab the bottle to help me get over this and go to sleep, otherwise I am up trying to figure out who this girl is or worrying about the time they spent together. He has only been having an affair with her for two months, however his heart is completely in it for her. So, I am trying to cope with my broken heart as well as his. I mean how can you just give 7 years up for 2 months, was it that great? Its comments like those that are just tearing us apart, but I feel I cant help myself.





All this pointless drama has started to affect our oldest son in school. He never had issues before, but now he is aggravating and acting out. For the most part I try to hide my feelings in front of the kids and we made a pact not to fight in front of them anymore, but hes old enough he can tell that we are unhappy. I was very happy before I found out my husband was cheating, now, I want to be happy more than anything, I just feel miserable and like I cannot move past this.





I just want to know if there is hope for us. I want to know that other people made it through and there were no more affairs later on...that he can let go of her. I was a strong believer that you take your marriage vows for better or worse, and this is defiantly worse, and maybe sickness too. Please give me your opinion, I want to save my marriage! This man still means the world to me and I adore him.How do you move past an affair and save your marriage?
It is obvious that you love this guy, but really sweetie, you need to grow up and face the facts. I wasted 16 years with a cheating spouse, please do not follow in my foot steps. It took me many years to figure out that life is short, and if something in your life is causing your stress and grief, you need to take steps to eliminate it. Your problem is your husband. You need to make the decision, to stay and allow his behavior, or take control of the situation by filing for divorce. That will shift the powers to you, at that point you can make demands, hopefully he will see the light and realize what he is about to lose and change his ways, if not, you will have to start over. Your still a young woman with lots of years to love to give to a man who will love and respect you. Good luck.How do you move past an affair and save your marriage?
You said that you were unfaithful to him while he was deployed. Imagine what went through his mind, body and soul when he found this out. He met someone while he was grieving over what had been done to him most likely. This woman can give him the fresh love, the fun and playfulness of a new romance, at home he sees a wife who cheated on him, drinks and never smiles. Look at the world through his eyes for just 5 minutes and you will see what he sees. As for getting over an affair, I don't know that you ever can. Over time I imagine the pain gets less, however for both of you - indiscretions are a part of your marriage now.
If he is not willing to make a difference in your marriage, the answer is simple, get rid of him.





Marriage is 50/50 not 99% (you) and 1% (him).
You two haven't grown up much since high school, have you? You don't sleep around on someone you love. You feel miserable because you are in a childish, selfish marriage. You both need to grow up. Your children are paying the price for your immaturity.





Tell your husband you love him more than anything, and you feel that he no longer loves you, so you're giving him the best gift in the world - his freedom. Do it out of love, not out of hate. Set him free to explore other women. You had him and you lost him. So give him up. Then dedicate the next 20 years of your life to making your children feel better for what you did to them. Sorry. This is really awful and I ache for your children.
There will be no resolution of this issue while the affairs continue.





This should not be an issue of money it should be because you BOTH understand what is wrong and want to stay together.





It goes like this.


The screwing around must stop.


There must be some understanding that while together there will e no more cheating.


You get yourselves into marriage counseling.





You go out and buy the book ';After The Affair'; by Janice Spring.


You read it and work on your marriage.





There is a huge amount of damage already inflicted on each other.


Sadly my dear you are the culprit and let Pandora out of that proverbial box.





A wise man (therapist) once told me that your chances of staying married are 50/50 without this. They are worse now.





If there is no willingness to fight for your relationship FROM BOTH OF YOU it will not go all that well.





Start with the agreement that your marriage must come first and that you both will forske all others again.


STEP ONE.





EDIT- As much as I hate to say this, it sounds like you have not admitted that you were wrong in starting this. I believe that deep down you still feel like it was just sex and no big deal. I think you have found that he views sexuality as love and has fallen for her. Until you figure out that it is more than just sex and that you destroyed his feelings toward you there is also not much hope.


You left him vulnerable to this and he has fallen.
There are a lot of couples who do make it through one or both cheating. It takes a great deal of commitment to family and each other as well as some heavy duty counseling with a counselor who is dedicated to keeping the family intact. If your husband is in the service you should have access to counselors who are used to what your husband is doing (as well as what you did). You both need to be able to reaffirm your love and commitment to one another and work on keeping that strong. Plus you need to lay off the drinking - do you really want your kids growing up with an alcoholic mom? No matter how this turns out that is not the answer. Even if you think you are hiding it from them - they know.


Even though it's easier said than done, you need to either forget about the other woman or confront her. Confronting her will probably open up a can of worms for both you and your husband that you may not want to deal with - I would take the high road and not confront her. She is beneath you . . . any woman who goes out of her way to break up a marriage or who falls for a married man's 'I'm so unhappy' line deserves nothing - not even the drama or attention she would probably like to get from you.


Good luck and stay strong.



First of all lets get things straight you were the one who was unfaithful first so don't put him up as the bad guy in all this. You both were at fault. What you two need to do is forgive each other and then never talk about it again and especially not in future arguements.





Also you need to stop grabbing the bottle or you are going to become an alcoholic and you won't be fit to be anyone's mother. Also being paranoid is not helping matters. You both cheated he might be just as paranoid about you cheating as you are about him.





You two should probably see a marraige counsellor if he is in the military they might pay the cost for that.
You broke your marriage up for your own selfish reasons. Now you want to make it all his fault? You are at fault. It sounds to me that there is nothing to save. The both of you should count your losses and move on. Didn't you think that while he was deployed he missed his wife and children also, or didn't you care about that? Through your own admission, you slept around a 'few times'. Where's the trust in that-once is enough, but a few times? You sealed your own coffin.
how can you adore a man who treats you so badly, accept that it's over and move on, don't accept his terms and move out,he can move in with her, keep the children, stop drinking and face up to the fact that your marriage is over, do this before the children become really damaged, you married when you were too young, you have both changed and he has made his choice.Sorry to be brutal, but from what you've written it's obvious that you are suffering and because of this are not thinking clearly.
I'm on his side ,sorry.You did it first,broke his heart first,then he found someone who can make him happy,someone he can trust and now he has fallen in love and you are blaming him(figure that one out)He is only staying with you because of the commitment and the kids,his heart is with the other girl,you ruined it first.Now you need to let him go peacefully,stop drinking for the sake of your beautiful children,they need you and stability more than ever now,and move on.What you sow you reap.Next time around don't sleep around.cheers
IMO: You made the choice for your marriage when YOU choose to dance outside the marriage. You can't blame his job for you being lonely, as you knew that this was a possibility when you had children with him and married him.





You really do need to be groveling to him, IF you want him back. I would retaliate if I were cheated on as well. That is just the nature of the beast. As I read your ?, it almost seems as though you forget that you had any wrong doing.





This may be more than anyone can put back together.
Well to be honest you started this terrible situation with your cheating. you said that you cheated a few times while he was away. So you are the one to blame for some of this . So if went out and met someone you can't get upset about the entire thing. Maybe he wants you to know how it feels to be lied, betrayed and cheated on as well. Two wrongs don't' make a right but to some people it might and maybe that is how he is feeling.Maybe the both of you will be happy if you separate for a bit or go to council and talk it out. If you were a strong believer to take your vows with seriousness the you would not of cheated. So you broke your vows first. Maybe you need to accept the fact that it might be over and get ready to move on .
I'm touched by this one. Very few men would not cheat after being cheated on. Don't let love fool you, use protection with him you don't know who else is with her. This relationship is fresh with her and may fade away but in the mean time you can't go crazy. Pull it together you are destroying yourself with the bottle dump it now and call a close friend or a professional. Talk to him, propose counselling and that you will do whatever it takes and if he doesn't come around end it, let him go because he is not even hiding it. You can't live like this. Be strong for the children.





This is also thrilling for him ignore the bastard, do not check for him for a while. Let him come and go. Just do for you and the kids, washing, cooking and outings basically exclude him and do not let him see you cry. Let him see you can be without him, clinging will just make it worse.
You started the ball rolling sweetie... you got ';lonely'; and slept around on him first. If he meant the world to you and you adored him so much, why did you sleep around with other men?? And then he goes and has an affair on you....and now you don't trust him?? Wow... this is some messed up marriage honey. You have got a lot of issues to deal with, and I doubt you'll ever be able to do it on your own... nor will he. You two need serious marriage counseling, or it will just not work. You don't know how to go about putting this marriage back on track...if it can even be saved. You've done a lot of damage to this marriage, and your husband has as well. Good luck... you're going to need it.