Monday, August 16, 2010

How can one overcome this situation?

hello everyone, hope all is well with you all of you.well, i have been posting lot of questions about me and my husband's relation. to make long story short- from the very starting, he has been very cold towards me. he doesnt feels the way i feel for him- no craving, no desperation.small gestures of caring- are always from me.even we are alone for an hour, he will start feeling bore- he will what shall we do.he is never ready to talk about love, feelings or emotions.his kisses are fast and short. its me who makes the first move to hug him or kiss him.many times- he has left me alone crying. i mean how can you afford to see tears in the person's eyes to whom you love.in short, i dont want to make it longer as to what makes me think that he has no love for me- because i have been in love and i know what it is.we have been married for two years now and i am pregnant- 6.5 month. he is not excited, he is not excited to be with me. he doesnt seems to be happy or enjoy my company. he keeps travelling a lot. and yes there is no one in his life- i know it.when he comes back to the house- i am excited but he is never. we live in Poland.i have tired a lot to make him love me but its all in vain.at the end, i told myself - may its because he is been living here in Poland all alone without his family since 15 yrs, we have talked about this many times and he agrees on this. he tells me that i was with my family and so i know what love, feelings and emotions are.so kept shut accepting this. but deep in my heart- if a person falls in love, everything comes out automatically. i mean you feel like doing it- you DO feel meeting that person again and again, and doing something that makes him/her happy, miss that person. anyways, i just let it go and moved on.few days back, i found a very very old dictionary from his bag- where there was a girl's name written with 'i love you'- like- ';girl's name'; i love you....'; i have never met this girl, but i have seen few emails that my husband use to exchange with her. these emails were friendly emails and he told me that she is an old college friend. now - i am not that narrowminded- when i saw this- I WASNT MAD because i know past is past. even i had one. but somehow i think that the reason behind his being this cold is that he is still hanging onto his past. this makes me feel bad. for once i think- how intense and high might his feeling be for this girl that it made him write this for her. he tells me he loves me but i have never seen anything he has written for me. he has this book with him but the doesnt have the love letter that i wrote him. i dont want anyone to tell me leave him or somehting like that. because if i leave him then i dont love him.i want to get him out of this situation. also, please do not ask me to show him utmost love or something like that- because i have tried everything- make him good food, being very loving with him, getting very sexy in bed- everything. i dont know what to do. i am upset and i dont feel like talking tohim or show love. i had a past too, but i have moved on and i love my husband so much that its only him for whom tears roll down my eyes. he is always out travelling, for days together he will not call me or will not get in touch with me still he claims that he loves me. i will appreciate for your answers- serious answers only.How can one overcome this situation?
Dear Friend Nathani, it looks to me that your hubby is a great guy. He maynot be a good communicator though.


You see, a lot of males have this communication issues. They want to say a lot of things, but when it comes to expressing their mind they go cold. I think your hubby might be one such. It doesnt make him a bad person though. But, it creates a lot of problems for the wife. Not necessarily because he is a bad communicator, but because the wife is no more sure whether she is understood by him in true persceptive or not. That becomes the main issue- the feeling of not having been understood.





Moreover, as you pointed out the fact that he is living in Poland from his age 15, that could also be a problem. Many people have adjustment problems and it even persists all life, unless professional intervention is sought.





Another factor that could be the root cause of his cold behaviour is- I feel he is still holding on to some of his childhood wounds. It is very important to reprogramme him to the present time. May be he didnt have a happy childhood and the wounds have moulded him so. It happens to many people.


As adults we mostly behave on the line of our childhood scripts. A child writes the script for the whole life when he/she is of 5-7 years old. If the child writes his script ';Happiness is not for me'; or ';I cannot make anyone happy no matter howmuchoever I try'; or ';I will always be misunderstood even if I have the best of my intentions for others';- if those are the scripts he wrote for him, then it is very likely that he will remain unexcited, cold, non-expressive, etc for the very fear of being misunderstood.





I have seen lots of prople coming out of such phases and enjoy happy married life after gatting psychotherapeutic assistance of a Psychotherapist. A Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy will be best suited for such treatment.





Try to locate a qualified Transactional Analyst (TA) Psychotherapist in your locality/area and take him to one. Both of you can also attend some of the TA workshops/seminars.





You know Madam, it is also equally important for you to seek assistance of a TA Psychotherapist so that you learnt the responses you will need to make in reacting to each and every of your hubby's behaviour. You are the best therapist for him.





Best wishes.How can one overcome this situation?
Have you considered that perhaps it is not about you, but rather something inside HIM that causes this behavior? Look up Asperger's Syndrome and see if you can ';see him'; in the descriptions provided. The clue to me is the lack of family contact. Aspberger's kids can easily be disassociated from their families because of the difficulties presented while growing up.





Not saying it IS.....just trying to get you to take some of the focus away from your relationship and trying to get you to consider external sources.





Good Luck!

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