Do YOU think this is grounds to leave your husband?

A little history: My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old son and I'm almost 39 weeks pregnant with a daughter.


He has some pretty horrible mood swings and drinks a lot. He'll tell me he won't drink, and then go into the kitchen to drink where I can't see him. I don't care that he drinks, but he drinks to ';get buzzed'; and quite honestly I can't stand him when he's like that. He's been very insistant on sex for the past couple of months. The problem is, I'm either exausted from taking care of our son and being pregnant, my hips and pelvis are killing me, or he's been a real jerk for the entire day and I seriously can't bring myself to have sex with him. He called me a ***** and a slew of other names earlier today, just because I asked if he'd straightend up the mess he said he was going to clean. He also refused to bring me my wallet when I realized I didn't have it with me, and I couldn't get back on the military base we live in because I didn't even have a driver's license. I had to kill time for a while, and then he stopped answering the phone, leaving me and our son to sit in a restaraunt parking lot until I finally was able to get ahold of him. I found out later the reason he didnt' want to bring it to me is because he was playing Xbox, looking up porn (he denies this but he completely cleaned out our computer and asked what the likelihood of picking up a computer virus was from questionable sites) and had fallen asleep, and didn't hear the phone once the entire time. Tonight he wanted sex, and that's all he talked about, even within an hour of his earlier tirade against me. Not a problem, I understand he's a man with ';needs';. By the time he went to bed it was nearly 2am and I was beat. We ended up getting into an argument in bed because he kept saying things like ';Gawd, you sound like a cardiac patient getting into bed'; (my pelvis pops and my hips nearly dislocate because of this pregnancy, which makes getting in and out of bed difficult). He also kept grabbing at my crotch and trying to feel my boobs, all the while smelling like booze and making those comments. He asked what he could do to get me in the mood, so I asked him to rub my back a little. I turned over, and he was silent. I thought he was asleep, so I asked if anything was wrong and he said very nastily, ';Nothing!'; wtf? I finally asked What is wrong with you? He said God Damm you, called me a sshole and a dick and then turned over. I started to get up out of bed at that point, and he said if I ';put out'; he wouldnt' be so nasty. I told him (out of anger) to find someone else to put out if he wanted to treat someone that badly and still expect them to make love. He said fine, he would start looking tomorrow. This isn't the first time he's threatened me with finding someone else to have sex with, even within the past month. He's been a jerk for years, but has never stooped as low as threatening to find someone else, and he's been doing it over and over. I want to cry but I'm just too angry. He will NOT go to counseling, though he insists he wants a close relationship with God. He tells everyone at work how much he wants to be here for me during my pregnancy, but has barely helped me out at all, and when he does he literally throws a tantrum, kicking things and screaming cursewords. Everyone he works with is confused as well. I'm best friends with a few of their wives, and they've seen first hand the way he acts towards me, even saying he doesn't think this baby is his in front of all of them. (FYI, there's no way this child isn't his). Please refrain from rude ';Well you married him'; or ';You had kids with him'; comments. He wasn't always this way, and I actually feel kinda tricked because he wasn't this bad until after we married. Since I can't take birth control, we have 2 children that are happy accidents, so please, no crappy comments not pertaining to the question asked. So do you think this is grounds for leaving?Do YOU think this is grounds to leave your husband?
Yes. If every word that you've said here is correct, your husband is an alcoholic.


Alcoholism is an addiction. ALL addicts are manipulative, self centered, and selfish. They care only for themselves, and keep other people around only to get from those others what they can. All are uncaring of the feelings of others, and see nothing wrong with taking from others, abusing others, and so on.


You are being manipulated and abused. Abuse is grounds for a divorce in any civilized community. You are being both sexually abused and emotionally abused.


You mention that you live on a military base. If he is the servicemember, go to his Command E9 (Command Master Chief in the Navy, Command Sargeant Major in the Army, etc), and tell that individual EVERYTHING you put here. Go to the XO if your husband is an officer.


If you are the servicemember, or both of you are, you can take this to your Chain of Command for a referral, or take it to a base chaplain or to the legal officer.


You and your kids need to be living somewhere else...NOW. Its a short step from leaving you stranded so he can look at porn to some other form of harm....like beating the stuffing out of you for something you can't control.


You will certainly need an attorney, whether JAG or civilian.Do YOU think this is grounds to leave your husband?
Yes, yes, those are definitely grounds for leaving.


I'm so sorry you're going through this, and with little ones, which makes it harder. Be strong (for yourself, AND for them) and remember that you'll be happier and healthier in the long run if you get away from this man. He's controlling and emotionally abusive to you.


Count on friends and family now for support, and get him out of your lives as soon as you can.
sure it is. but you have to think about the kids.take a break from him for a Little bit of time. that may wake him up. you say he don't want to go for help . he sure needs it . try your best to get him the help he needs. if not just go and don't look back
you need to print your posted question, tape it on a wall, and read it. read it over and over again until it sticks to your head. the answer to your question would be right infront of you written in your own words. it is that obvious.
I would absolutely leave him. Also, on your way out -write his commanding officer and tell him that these are they problems he has and that while there might not be another report or incident to back this up you are making sure that you are the last man with the secret so when this comes out after you are gone it will be one them not you. Make sure you are classy and informatative - don't sound like a wife thats been spurned. I hate to say it but I think you children would be more functional without him - and you would probably be cleaning less and have less stress without him.





Good luck - I know you are a great mom and you will be fine.
Hey sorry to hear bout that. I know you're dealing with a rough time. I just had a baby in September. So the misery is still fresh in my mind. Well I gotta say there's no way I could deal with a man like this. That sounds like a daily nightmare. To be honest me and my husband could not make love during my pregnancy and it was 8 months before I could actually do it again (with some pain) I was on bedrest for 5 months of my pregnancy so it has made my recuperation a bit slower than usual. Well he has never treated me this way about the sex or threatened to find someone else. I'm sure he hasn't gone there. If you're husband is in such need then he should just masturbate instead of bringing you down. That is not a reason for the mental abuse. You really need to get some kind of professional counseling to help you through this difficult time. He sounds like my last boyfriend I was with for 5 years. Thank God I left, because I'm too old for the drama now.
Girl, I woulda left a long time ago, YES, please do, for the sake of your two children. Just leave and find a safe place to stay and see if he will clean up his act for you to come back, if not, there are lots men out there that would love to be with you and your children. It willl be hard but think about your children, what if he continues with the alcohol and sometime has a black out and hurts one of you's? Don't go there, just leave.
I'm sure your doctor has told you no intercourse for the last 2 weeks and the first 6 weeks after the pregnancy. It could lead to infection which could kill the baby or you. If your husband doesn't believe it - get the doctor to tell him.





I think you should leave him too - can your mother come and get you?





You know the most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is pregnant. Take care of yourself and your children. That is your only duty at this point.
I hate to say it, but yes. I take marriage very seriously, but if you've asked him to attend counseling and he refuses, there isn't much left. If he is this bad now, imagine him 5, 10, and 20 years from now. Alcoholism is a disease. It doesn't cure itself, and it only gets worse. If I were you, I would try and give him one last talk, when he is sober, and tell him if things don't change you will have to leave. Tell him you want counseling for the both of you, and counseling for his drinking problem. If he doesn't take you seriously, leave him. That will either wake him up or send him over the edge, but at least you know that you and your children are safe. I know you love him, but the bottom line is this: He is his own person. He chose to marry you and have children with you. He is overcome with addiction, and he will NEVER get better until he learns to control his addiction. You and your children will NEVER be free of his addiction until you leave or he finds help. Good luck to you.
both of you need to see the marriage counselor.. why are you still stuck with him for those incident ?? leave him.. he's nothing than a creep
Yes.
yeah, you need to condence it down, but the main idea I got was that you are in an unhealthy relationship with no real way out. good luck.
HELL YA!! Kick his *** to the curb! What a horrible husband! Find someone that will treat you the way you should be treated! He sounds like a complete douche bag and if you do leave if anything he'll get a wake up call or he'll just show his true doucheyness and you'll come to find out that the man you wanted to marry was really just a trick to pull you in. He should be miserable by himself. You deserve better! Please leave him and get a better life! Good luck.
WOW... go to a safe house, tell him to go through counseling, and AA, or lose his family life the way he knows it... this is called irreconcilable differences in the divorce world... in life it is pure abuse... I'LL PRAY FOR ALL 4 OF YOU...
Well honey it looks like your in a bit of a jam. But you dont need me to tell you that. Do you have a mother or friend to stay with for a while? If so move out just for about 3 or 4 days and dont contact him...only talk to him if he tries to contact you. IF he is a good man, he will realize that he cannot be without his family and come running back to you. If he doesnt. then i say leave him, and go find a man that will appriciate and understand you!





i hope this helps and God bless you whatever you decide i wish you a healthy child birth and i hoep you get out of this jam!
First of all . . . the questionable sites he's talking about . . . may not have just been porn. I have someone close to me that started w/ that %26amp; ended up on those ';friend finder'; type sites, actually starting communicating %26amp; did end up meeting up w/ the girl %26amp; also got caught. They're STILL trying to save their marriage, but don't think because he erased his history, that it's only porn . . . or it could be, what do I know? And btw, I have no problem w/ porn, I'm just saying . . .





But, the fact that he called you the names he did would send me over the edge. I mean only ONE time %26amp; I would be done! Could be the alcohol talking, could just be that he's a jerk. My vote is that he's a jerk. And the truly messed up thing, is that now that he knows he can say **** like that to you, and you stay . . . he won't just do it again, it'll get worse. I would demand that things change %26amp; at this point %26amp; if he refuses %26amp; wants to have sex with someone else, who cares. I'd just be using my time to collect my thoughts %26amp; some cash for the move.
u can't take birth control? what do u mean? u can't insert women condom (diaphragm) or he can't put condom on his tool? give me a break.
Oh that is a definate YES! Get out! For goodness sake, he has shown just how much he loves you etc. We all know alcoholism is an issue, but if he refuses to get help then things will get a lot worse. You now have two others to think of. As you said yourself, he has been horrible for a while, these things dont undo themselves in a hurry.





If this was my husband, he''d be out the door.
Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes





Take it from someone who grew up in a hell like this one - save yourself years and years of pain and enable your kids to grow up thinking that men are good without having to go through the angry bitter phase to get to the other side..





You have done nothing wrong


You have the right to feel safe in your home


You have the right to be respected


You have the right to happiness


YOu have the right to share your life with someone that doesn't abuse you verbally or sexually or any other way as he sees fit





these are pretty basic things and its not much to demand





so abolutely leave him and I wish you the very very best!!
Sounds like your in an abusive, volatile relationship. If I were you I would leave. If he hasn't changed in four years, it's not likely he's going to change anytime soon.
you NEED to GO!!! for you and for the kids. do it while they are still little like this. it would be harder on the kids the longer you wait!!!!
yes, leave now.
wow. not only is he molesting you but he is verbally abusing you...not too mention he seems like an alcoholic. i'm a guy, but i don't pressure my girlfriend (2 years, yay) to have sex with me...i just simply think of other things, like a gentlemen should.


since you are pregnant, this CAN affect your baby in a bad way...my mom always told me and my sisters the reason why my littlest sister is kindda kooky is because my mom was verrry stressed when she was pregnant with her. you need to get a restraining order first. seriously, since he never really done this to you before...then started drinking, verbally abusing you/molstering you....who knows what can happen next....not to scare you or anything. i bet your son is more mature than him, eh? just....you need to get one of those army guys on your base (or whatever they are) to come over and get your husband because he's reeeeeally been threatening you (explain it all) and you're getting scared. you need him out of your house for the safety of you, your son, and your unborn daughter. GET HIM OUT ASAP. get someone in high power tomorrow!!!!!! then get a restraining order....then file for divorce. but if your parents do not live very far (or any close relative) calll them and ask if you can take your son and stay with them for a little while (of your friends at the base)


please get some help soon.d ont wait another day. good luck!
I would say that you have been put through the ringer, with your husband, and I would definitely say reading this, there is definitely no respect for you or your children.I would suggest your husband needs help, especially his alcohol problem, cos he seems to be in denial.Ask him to get some council ling, and you will go with him, for the support, if not, then I feel you should end the marriage, as their is nothing to hold onto now, and think about your kids as well, if you really love them.I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
It would be enough for me. He has done nothing that he is suppose to do. He is not suppose to treat his wife this way and especially not when you are pregnant. I would not have sex with him either. You deserve better and you are not going to get it there. All you have is someone else to take care of and he treats you like scum on top of it. He is in this all for himself and when he does not get his way he is nasty to you. I would leave.
By u posting this question I think that you are looking for someone to tell you it is ok to leave. I am not judging though because I had to do the same thing. I was married at 18 and ended up having 2 children as well. I was so afriad of dissapointing people so I stayed, but finally I got clearence from my father and that is what made me decide to leave. After I did leave i was so much happier. I do not condone divorce, but if the marriage is not working on both parts maybe you should leave. Just make sure to get FULL custody of those kids, don't do joint. Also make sure to get the child support you deserve.
I am one for trying all things to make things right before you go and do something as drastic as leaving you.





He sounds like a real jerk, and if I know anything about guys thy crap themselves if they think you are leaving them!





Stage something, go and stay with your mother or a friend, he will be quick enough then to change his ways if he thinks you aren't going to be around anymore.





I empathize with you, he sounds awful, and especially for the fact you are pregnant too!





Give him a few home truths, he will only then see how wrong he is treating you
I suggest you try to get him help for his alcohol abuse problem first, because if he agrees to getting help, that could tremendously help. if he refuses, threaten to leave if he doesn't clean up his act. if THAT doesn't work, then yes, you're unhappy and he's making a bad enviornment to raise two children, so I would leave at that point.
yes and take him to the child welfare just to be sure, hes an dick for treating you that way, it,ll be hard but go for it girl no woman should have that done to her
This is the father of your two children and you have invested time for 4 and a half years. Do not just throw it away. Sit down and tell him its counseling and Changes or you hit the highway. He should not use infidelity over your head. It sounds like he drinks to cover loneliness maybe he feels distant. Relationships do change and people feel like they are stuck in a relationship and cant be happy. I do know you dont deserve verbal abuse when you are a mother everyday which is so stressful. I hope things work out for you and you find peace with your children.
I woudln't even give him an ultimatum. I would just leave. He is selfish, immature, controlling, and abusive. Don't give him the chance to show even more of his temper by giving him an ultimatum and giving him the chance to hurt you and/or your children. He sounds like an awful man in desperate need of help. Pack up your clothes and go stay with some family or friends. Refuse to go back until he can prove he has quit drinking, gone to counseling faithfully, and has grown up enough to deserve to play a role in the lives of you and your children. I hope for the best for you.